A few old quotes

"This is just lemon right?" - Linda
"Yeah, lemon juice." - Hazel
"It's not poison." - Linda
"Yeah, because we keep poison in the fridge." - Hazel
"Some people do." - Linda
"I'll be sure to let you know if I put poison in the fridge." - Hazel
"I hope so." - Linda

"That's how clean my hands are; bugs die when they touch me."- Jess

"I had a car that did this once, then it blew up." - Tabbi

"I don't know what they are but they're shiny." - Carol about an art piece

"This is like the best TV programme ever! Fat people and Lady Gaga." - Aidan

"It's like you concertina-ed your face!" - Naomi to Nat

"I love how it's like: Fashion try so hard, Graphics are kind of cool without trying, and Fine Art just don't give a shit." - Aidan

"I always forget that people can see through windows. My neighbours have definitely seen me naked at least 5 times each." - Meg

*Discussing creepy Disney characters*
"Miss Haversham?" - ?
"That's not Disney, that's Charles Dickens." - Aidan

"Post-monkey Ross is good." - Megyn

Doctor Who

"Where did you learn to cook?" - Craig
"Paris. In the eighteenth century. No, hang on. That's not recent is it? Seventeenth? No no, twentieth. Sorry, I'm not used to doing them in the right order." - Doctor
"Has anyone ever told you that you're a bit weird?" - Craig
"They never really stop." - Doctor

"Now all I've got to do is pass as an ordinary human being. Simple. What could possibly go wrong." - Doctor
"Have you seen you?" - Amy

"You. Me. Handcuffs. Must it always end this way?" - River, to the Doctor

"You've swallowed a planet." - Doctor
"I'm pregnant." - Amy
"You're huge." - Doctor
"Yeah, I'm pregnant." - Amy
"Look at you! When world's collide." - Doctor
"Doctor, I'm pregnant." - Amy
"Oh, look at you both! Five years later and you haven't changed a bit. Apart from age and... size." -Doctor
"Oh it's good to see you Doctor." - Amy
"Are you pregnant?" - Doctor

“Aw, my boys, my poncho boys, If we're going to die, let's die looking like a Peruvian folk band” - Amy

"Oh please. Have you always been this disgusting?" - Amy
"No. That's recent." - Doctor

"You graffitied the oldest cliff face in the Universe!" - Doctor
"You wouldn't answer your phone!" - River

"Are you married, River?" - Doctor
"Are you asking?" - River
"Yes" - Doctor
"Yes" - River
"No. Hang on. Did you think I was asking you to marry me or asking if you were married?" - Doctor
"Yes" - River
"No, but was that yes or yes?" - Doctor
"Yes" - River
"River. Who are you?" - Doctor
"You're going to find out very soon now. And I'm sorry. But that's when everything changes." - River

Journey 2: The Mysterious Island

“It's ok, we just gotta think, we gotta think of a way to get... I got it.” - Hank
“What?” - Sean
“Scuba tanks” - Hank
“What, are we listing things that we don't have? Ok, ah, a jet pack, a girlfriend, calligraphy paper” - Sean
“No no, listen to me, we just- calligraphy paper.” - Hank
“Yeah, just popped into my head” - Sean

"'Kay, it's only a hundred feet down, we got two hits of air with us” - Hank
“Right” - Sean
“Are you ready?” - Hank
“Am I ready? Are you ready?” - Sean
“Oh I'm totally ready" - Hank
“Well I'm totally ready" - Sean
“Well I'm probably more ready than you" - Hank
“There's no way, I'm like twice as ready as you are” - Sean
“...”
“We're procrastinating out of fear aren't we” - Sean
“Oh absolutely” - Hank

Derren Brown, Tim Minchin

"Stealing a tie from someone's neck is a useful skill when meeting a rival candidate just before a job interview" - Derren Brown

"I’m a pragmatist, I don’t take drugs, I like jogging, I’ve been mostly with one girl since I lost my virginity, I like my family, I don’t swear in front of kids or name my children Pizza." – Tim Minchin

"You’re allowed a luxury also to take to the island" - Kirsty Young
"... yeah, I assume lots of people say robotic sex doll" - Tim Minchin

Uni Life

"Pass it!" - Harly
"I'm not going to throw it, you penis" - Aidan
"Why?" - Harly
"'Cause it's a knife!" - Aidan

"This isn't my school uniform, it's my clothes!" - Sarah C

"It's only for like, 3 days in summer that uni actually looks like the prospectus" - Aidan

"You've crossed the line" - Aidan
"I don't have a line!" - Kate M

"Good ol' black pudding" - Julietta
"Nothing like a bit of blood in the morning" - Hazel

Easy A

"Hi, is there an Olive here?" - Brandon
"There's a whole jar of them in the fridge" - Rosemary (Olive's mother)
"Oh, I'm sorry I must have the wrong address" - Brandon
"Just kidding, come in, any friend of Olive's is a friend of our daughter's" - Rosemary

"What are you doing?!" - Brandon
"Relax, Jesus, what is it with you gays, are you really that repulsed by lady parts? What do you think I have down there, a gnome?" - Olive

"He seems like a nice kid, he seemed a little incredibly gay" - Rosemary
"Dyed in the wool homosexual that boy is" - Olive
"I just want you to know, your father and I are totally supportive. We love you no matter what the sexual orientation of your opposite sex sex-partner." - Rosemary
"We're not dating mom" - Olive
"And don't worry about not making us grandparents, although we were kind of hoping you'd get knocked up, so we'd have a second shot at raising kids, really do it right this time." - Rosemary
"Bye now" - Olive
"You know, I dated a homosexual once. For a long time. A loooong time." - Rosemary

"Can I help you with something?" - Bookseller
"The Bible" - Olive
"Oh, that's in best sellers, right next to Twilight" - Bookseller

"You left your glass slipper at the party last night." - Todd
"Yeah, and I got pumpkin all over my dress too, C'est la vie." - Olive
"La vie" - Todd
"Nice, solid joke." - Olive

"I was just wondering if there was a minister around... Is it not a minister? A reverend? A wizard?" - Olive

"Is everything alright? It sounds like you're having sex up here, which I know can't be true due to the fact that you have a homosexual boyfriend." - Dill (Olive's father)

"Where are you from originally?" - Dill, to his adopted son Chip

"That's the promotion for this movie. Put your crackers away, see Easy A" - From film commentary

A bit of TV/Radio/Film

“He was so rich he’d given his manners to a charity shop” – Sandi Toksvig, The News Quiz

"I get Guantanemo mixed up with guacamole" - Jeremy Hardy, The News Quiz

"Isn't it because you're from the professional show-biz cookery world and you want to keep telling us that it's a very special art when really cooking is just making food a bit hotter" – Frank Skinner to Gregg Wallace, Room 101

"Where's my coffee pot?" - Ally
"I broke it. If you were on Twitter you'd know that already." - Colin, What's Your Number?

"You are a cynical crapehanger who always sees the glass as half empty." - Sondra
"No, you're wrong, I see it half full but, of poison" - Sid, Scoop

"I think you’re wrong on that." - Hodges
"I’m sorry?" - Morgan
"Oh, don’t be sorry, just be wrong." - Hodges, CSI

Ah, Housemates

"The light was flickering so I punched it 'cause I thought it would help" - Matt

"You. You brought Prince Phillip into this!" - Harly, to Matt

"It's like having a dog, but it can speak back to you... you don't have to put a nappy on a dog." - Matt, on the topic of children

"All I really need is a hob and a toaster, I don't need a wife" - Matt
(admittedly, this sounds more sexist than it was in context)

"It's like the boy who cried wolf, but with toilet roll" - Matt

"I don't know how to make myself look more oriental" - Hazel
"Carry a dragon" - Harly

"I didn't say anything!" - Hazel
"I heard you with your tone of eyes" - Harly

"This is definitely a student house; I'm standing here eating bits of flapjack out of a bowl and you're eating a cucumber, one slice at a time." - Matt, to Hazel

At a Vineyard Worship Evening

"I was just thinking, this would not be the place to collapse from a medical condition, 'cause everyone would just think it was the Holy Spirit. See, in a Church of England, if someone collapsed, they'd get help!" - Clare

Um... Title? Meh.

"Thou shalt not covet the Christian boys" - Piero

"People are not being rude, they're just being Chinese" - Harold - on Mandarin audio course
Lol, just explaining how they don't use 'thank you' like we do, but I found it quite amusing, especially since my mum is Chinese...

Bitter Lemon

"I want this lemonade but I'm scared because it says it's bitter" - Piero

Just a couple...

"You really can't get away with swinging a baby nowadays" - Harly

"It's the kind of music I see myself dying to" - Julietta, on club music

The News Quiz - Series 76 Episode 3

"I have never been to an exercise class in my life, I find them repulsive and reprehensive, one should accept oneselves the way they are and have another pie" - Susan Calman

On the subject of why she doesn't use Twitter
"If I want people to know my innermost thoughts, there's nothing wrong with a megaphone in Waitrose" - Sandi Toksvig

Christmas time

Commenting on the new branding of Hobbycraft
"It used to be like 'I am a graphic designer and this is a good art shop'. Now it's like 'here are some crafts for you to do, wife'." - Rachel

"Cardiff - it's like living under the sea" - Rachel

"Can you imagine me in 3D?" - Dan

"I like the way you're swaying, it's quite creepy." - Dan, to Hazel

"What are you doing?" - Dan
"You said I had to fix my glasses." - Hazel
"I never said you had to." - Dan
"You said you couldn't look at me!" - Hazel

"It fits, I'm fit, you're fit, let's go for it." - Dan's new motto for finding a boyfriend whose clothes he can wear


Things that caught my eye on Facebook

"I wear hoodies because I'm cold, not because I'm going to knife you."

"Do you know any good jokes about Sodium?"
"Na"


I find it hard to come up with titles for these posts unless all the quotes have a clear theme, so this time I put 'Christmas time' to refer to the time I collected the quotes, however, having done so I feel obliged to also put in some Christmas related things.

The 3 stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus. He doesn't believe in Santa Claus. He is Santa Claus.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.

"Bloody Christmas, here again, let us raise a loving cup, peace on earth, goodwill to men, and make them do the washing up." - Wendy Copes