A few old quotes

"This is just lemon right?" - Linda
"Yeah, lemon juice." - Hazel
"It's not poison." - Linda
"Yeah, because we keep poison in the fridge." - Hazel
"Some people do." - Linda
"I'll be sure to let you know if I put poison in the fridge." - Hazel
"I hope so." - Linda

"That's how clean my hands are; bugs die when they touch me."- Jess

"I had a car that did this once, then it blew up." - Tabbi

"I don't know what they are but they're shiny." - Carol about an art piece

"This is like the best TV programme ever! Fat people and Lady Gaga." - Aidan

"It's like you concertina-ed your face!" - Naomi to Nat

"I love how it's like: Fashion try so hard, Graphics are kind of cool without trying, and Fine Art just don't give a shit." - Aidan

"I always forget that people can see through windows. My neighbours have definitely seen me naked at least 5 times each." - Meg

*Discussing creepy Disney characters*
"Miss Haversham?" - ?
"That's not Disney, that's Charles Dickens." - Aidan

"Post-monkey Ross is good." - Megyn

Uni Life

"Pass it!" - Harly
"I'm not going to throw it, you penis" - Aidan
"Why?" - Harly
"'Cause it's a knife!" - Aidan

"This isn't my school uniform, it's my clothes!" - Sarah C

"It's only for like, 3 days in summer that uni actually looks like the prospectus" - Aidan

"You've crossed the line" - Aidan
"I don't have a line!" - Kate M

"Good ol' black pudding" - Julietta
"Nothing like a bit of blood in the morning" - Hazel

Ah, Housemates

"The light was flickering so I punched it 'cause I thought it would help" - Matt

"You. You brought Prince Phillip into this!" - Harly, to Matt

"It's like having a dog, but it can speak back to you... you don't have to put a nappy on a dog." - Matt, on the topic of children

"All I really need is a hob and a toaster, I don't need a wife" - Matt
(admittedly, this sounds more sexist than it was in context)

"It's like the boy who cried wolf, but with toilet roll" - Matt

"I don't know how to make myself look more oriental" - Hazel
"Carry a dragon" - Harly

"I didn't say anything!" - Hazel
"I heard you with your tone of eyes" - Harly

"This is definitely a student house; I'm standing here eating bits of flapjack out of a bowl and you're eating a cucumber, one slice at a time." - Matt, to Hazel

Christmas time

Commenting on the new branding of Hobbycraft
"It used to be like 'I am a graphic designer and this is a good art shop'. Now it's like 'here are some crafts for you to do, wife'." - Rachel

"Cardiff - it's like living under the sea" - Rachel

"Can you imagine me in 3D?" - Dan

"I like the way you're swaying, it's quite creepy." - Dan, to Hazel

"What are you doing?" - Dan
"You said I had to fix my glasses." - Hazel
"I never said you had to." - Dan
"You said you couldn't look at me!" - Hazel

"It fits, I'm fit, you're fit, let's go for it." - Dan's new motto for finding a boyfriend whose clothes he can wear


Things that caught my eye on Facebook

"I wear hoodies because I'm cold, not because I'm going to knife you."

"Do you know any good jokes about Sodium?"
"Na"


I find it hard to come up with titles for these posts unless all the quotes have a clear theme, so this time I put 'Christmas time' to refer to the time I collected the quotes, however, having done so I feel obliged to also put in some Christmas related things.

The 3 stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus. He doesn't believe in Santa Claus. He is Santa Claus.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.

"Bloody Christmas, here again, let us raise a loving cup, peace on earth, goodwill to men, and make them do the washing up." - Wendy Copes

Berlin etc.

To be old and wise you must first be young and stupid
This was on a t-shirt someone was wearing in Berlin. I think I've come across the quote before, but thought I'd post it nonetheless :)

"Was he balancing it up his arm?" - Georgie
"Yeah" - Hazel
"Skinny and talented" - Georgie

"Hazel's living on the dark side!" - Sophie
"The dark side?" - Lucy
"I mean the wild side..." - Sophie
Commenting on crossing roads in Berlin, lol...

"A good friend is one who gets crab out of your hair for you" - Cat

"I didn't escape a fire to inhale more smoke, ok?"
I overhead someone say this when we were all standing outside uni (some people smoking) after the fire alarm went off (due to a smoke machine being used in the new media department...)

If you're not part of the solution you're part of the precipitate
I saw this on a t-shirt on the CU training weekend :P

Soul Survivor

"I think I'm a bit hysterical, I'm kind of laughing at anything." - Hazel
"I know, that's why I'm talking to you. A budding member of society." - Clare

College quotes

These are mainly various quotes that I have found scrawled in margins of my pukka pad.

"Are you planning on being your usual self in front of the ofstead people?" - Robert, to Mills

"If I came in and said 'me saw the dog', you'd either think I was regressing or I thought I was Tarzan. I can assure you that neither of those is true" - Jason
"You mean you're not Tarzan?" - Chloe
"Only on weekends" - Jason

Handing out class assessment thingies (I'm not 'officially' in the class)
"You don't get one because you don't exist" - Mills, to Hazel

"Be careful, you don't know where she's been" - Mills, about Max

After a conversation about how our college used to be a boys school - talking about girls:
"Is that why you're so horrible to them, because they don't belong here" - Tony, to Mills

"Is that your artistic skills up on the board?" - Robert
"Yes, that's my earthworm" - Mills
"It's lovely, but why has it got demonic red eyes?" - Robert

"Treat the examiner like they are a half-wit, 50% of the time it'll be true anyway" - Jason
Lol, he was just joking btw - he's an examiner himself!

"Are you here?" - Mills
"Apparently" - Robert
"He didn't die" - Jelena
"Yes, I'm quite pleased, I think I should get a certificate" - Robert

"What are you on, Robert... Valium?" - Mills

And here are some quotes that the class wrote in Mills' thank-you card that was given to him today:

"I hate you a great deal" - Mills, to student

"Oi, you barbie girls, shut up and do some maths!" - Mills

"Robert, keep your bitch on a leash" - Mills, about Max
I vaguely recall this though it is one of the more unusual Mills quotes

'SUA GOWI - Shut Up And Get On With It'
Occasionally written on the board in acronym form...

"Can you help me?" - Student
"Probably not" - Mills

"Jelena's been sent to Kosokov for terrorist training" - Mills

*bop*

Yes, here are some quotes, from about Nov 08 til now. They're roughly in chronological order.

I loved the quote from Peter's T-shirt (one of the Peters in my Sign Language class):
"You probably don't recognise me without my cape"

"If you think about time-travel too much your head explodes, believe me" - Jason
...
"I don't think your head exploded as you've still got one" - Chloe P
"Well, I could be a lobster and have grown a new one" - Jason
Jason is our fantastic English Language teacher - I think we strayed a little from the lesson plan here.

Talking about syntax in active and passive voiced sentences
"Is there any time when the action would move in the sentence?" - Martin
"Only if you're Yoda" - Jason

"My eyes flashed before my life!" - Chloe P

"Do you do much Spanish at home?" - Nathan
"Not really" - Hazel
"I swear you pick it up like... a piece of cheese" - Nathan

"I do skip home, I'm happy at the end of the day" - Jason
He was replying to a student's comment after he used the example sentence 'Singing merrily, I skipped home'

"Holly, if you'd like to go down there and join the gentlemen, and Martin" - Jason
It may be a classic, but it was still entertaining...

"I'm a new man, 21st century, of course I can sew" - Jason

After Carol ran past the front of the car just when Sparkle started driving:
"You wouldn't have had any legs!" - Sparkle, to Carol
"Sure she would, they just wouldn't be very useful" - Helen

"You're like the anti-Kat. You know what you want before you've even seen the menu, but she doesn't even know what she wants after she's eaten it" - Gemmel, to Dan

"That was the highlight of our art lesson" - Nadine
"Peeling glue off your hand?" - ? (friend of Nadine's whose name I don't know)
"Yes" - Nadine

Various quotes...

Yeah, am now 'emptying' the back of my pukka pad and bits of my planner of their briefly scribbled quotations. But first, one that Carol quoted to me from something she saw on the internet somewhere (this is my current msn name):

"Make awkward sexual advances, not war"

Now on to the other stuff, starting from two where I know the dates...

23/06/08
"Pretzel" - Dan
"Oh, I didn't write that one" - Hazel
"What? You left out half our friendship!" - Dan
"If half our friendship was pretzels I don't think we had much of a friendship" - Hazel
I'd just been writing in Dan's leaving book and 'pretzel' is one of the things he attempts to rhyme with 'Hazel'

31/03/08
"I'm just a disnumerate maths teacher" - Mills

And a bunch where I don't know the dates (In the order of where they were in my diary and pukka pad):

Talking about silly class evaluation forms 'SPOC's (though we don't know what it stands for)
"Whoever makes these should be shot, or made to fill in SPOCs for the rest of their lives in a dungeon deep underground" - Franky

"*Reading from the SPOC* 'My teacher asks learners for their views on how it can improve the course, teaching and facilities'. So am I an 'it' now?" - Franky

"We're buggering off to University to get drunk" - Becky
Ah yes, the essence of university... ?

"It's bare confusing, like a multi-coloured bear; wow that's confusing" - Dan
I think it was more funny at the time...

"You look like someone from Chicken Run" - Hazel
"... I don't know how to respond to that" - Becky
Random comment in choir; she really did! It was the expression on her face, I'm not saying she looks like a cartoon chicken or anything. Yeah, another one of the 'you had to be there' moments.

"I'll give you this so you can thingy the doodah innit" - Franky

"He's about as creative as a bowl of cornflakes" - Franky, about Henry

"Sometimes I don't think you love us Chris" - Harry, talking to our maths teacher

"It should be 'u'" - Harry
"Yeah, but I don't like you" - Mills

"I'm going to miss a great deal; that's a whole hour of picking on Murray I'll miss!" - Mills

Next three quotes: Having a very random discussion in psychology about the possibility that Jesus has come back and is currently a small child, soon to grow up and change the world.

"He'll get his magic powers at 16, it's like Sabrina the teenage witch!" - Faye

"Even if this 'Jesus' was real, you're not a snail, so you don't have a point" - Faye

"He will in 2012 turn me into a snail" - Rai
(This whole conversation originated from Faye drawing Rai as a snail)

Part of John's sermon on one of the Sundays - talking about the ability to find your way places (and about sat navs)
"A great quote of mine, as Rosemary knows, is 'Don't worry dear, I'll get a feeling when we get there' ... and two hours late Rosemary says 'We do have a map'" - John P

"Sorry I'm late, I wasn't going to come in 'cause I was feeling ill" - Mary
"Ah! But you've recovered because you couldn't stay away from my charisma" - Alan

"I'm not going to stab anyone! If it's any crime it's going to be rape isn't it" - Joe
Talking about an offensive T-shirt Joe wore to college and our psych teacher started talking about how small things gradually become larger things until people stab each other and stuff.

Yeah, so hope you enjoyed the quotes, not sure when I'll next have any...

Mainly History

A song taught to us by our History teacher Alan.

"Hitler, has only got one ball

Goering, has two but ve-ry small

Himmler, has something similar

But poor Goebbels, has no balls, at all"

A quote from Alan:
"That was the highlight of my year! The land league rappers." - Alan
Yeah, a couple of the guys in our class wrote a 'land league' rap when we were studying Ireland. It was actually quite good.


And below are some jokes told in Nazi Germany - From my 'Humour as resistance' sheet.

Some Nazis surround an old Jew and ask him who is responsible for the war. "The Jews" he answers, and then he adds "and the cyclists".

"Why the cyclists?" ask the puzzled Nazis.

"Why the Jews?" replies the old man.

Q: What is the difference between Chamberlain and Hitler?

A: Chamberlain takes his weekends in the country,but Hitler takes whole countries in a weekend.

An SS officer who has just arrested a Jew says to him, "I have one glass eye. If you guess correctly which it is, I'll let you go." To this the prisoner replies, "It is the left one."

"Correct!" exclaims the officer, "How did you manage to guess?"

"Oh," says the Jew, "your left eye has such a human, compassionate expression."

A Jew is arrested during the war, having been denounced for killing a Nazi at 10 pm and then eating the brain of his victim. This is his defence: in the first place a Nazi hasn't got any brain; secondly, a Jew doesn't eat anything that comes from a pig; and thirdly, he could not have killed the Nazi at 10 pm because at that time everybody listens to the BBC broadcast.

Nazis abbreviated everything, so some jokes used this practise to create new units of measurement.

'Hit' - the number of promises a man can make in a time-span of fourteen years without keeping any of them.

'Goer' - the maximum amount of tin a man can wear on his chest without falling flat on his face.

'Goeb' - the minimum amount of energy required to switch off 100,000 radio receivers simultaneously.

'Ley' - the maximum time during which a man can speak without saying a single sensible thing.

And lastly,

The ideal German:

As blond as Hitler, as tall as Goebbels, as slim as Goering, and as chaste as Röhm.

And one quote from the Dan and my three hours off today:

"Well, our coll- or rather, our school wasn't very encouraging" - Hazel

"Alcohol isn't very encouraging?" - Dan

I didn't even realise it sounded like I said that until he told me, lol

Really old quotes

Unknown dates but one of them was dated 29/06/07 - these were written on the back of my refill pad.

"Be quiet Maxwell and his friends" - Kate
"We're not his friends" - Matt B

"That's straight and this is like you, bent!" - Mills?
I didn't write down who said this but I do believe that it was Mills talking to one or another of the guys in our class. It's the sort of comment he tends to make.

"I need the... um..." - Hazel
"-notes?" - Fahima
"Yeah" - Hazel
"Oh, um thingymabob's got them" - Fahima
"'kay" - Hazel
And I did know what she was talking about....

"Isn't Galileo one of the teenage muntant ninja turtles?" - Becky

"Students were revolting, literally" - Alan
This is not a general Alan-esque comment and I don't remember the context at all...

*Having a conversation about Dumbledore's death*
"What are you doing?" - Mills
"We're doing lots of maths and not talking about Harry Potter" - Greg

Quotes I found in my diary and pukka pad

Um yeah, probs from a while ago, I have dates for some of them... This is the problem with scribbling them down and forgetting the dates. Hmm.

"Happiness isn't happiness without a violin playing goat" - Anna (Julia Roberts), Notting Hill

Quotes with no date:

"So the Whig government was impotent; what does impotent mean?" - Alan
"Can't have babies?" - Nina
"Uh, well, technically yes... but not in this context" - Alan

Doing the course assessment thingy
"So, how can we improve History?" - Nina
"More singing" - Tom
"Alan dressed as a power ranger. The blue one." - James

"I have the attention of a goldfish today, a goldfish that is, um.." - Beki
"A dead goldfish?" - Hazel
"Yes, a dead goldfish." - Beki

14/02/08
"Joe, are you learning anything?" - Stephanie
"Yes, I'm learning hatred" - Joe
"Faye, are you learning anything?" - Stephanie
"Uh, yeah" - Faye
"She's learning my hatred" - Joe
"Yeah" - Faye
*Stephanie goes back to her typing*
Our teachers are so concerned about our learning...

13/02/08
"Right, I'm off, I'll see you tomorrow, it's a joy and a pleasure taking your money." - Franky (Art teacher)

06/02/08
Looking at a student-made 'Land league' poster
"So, what is that they're holding?" - Alan
"Torches and Pitchforks" - Tom
"And what are they going to do to him" - Alan
"... Sit down and have a civilised conversation?" - Tom
Loving it :P

"Don't forget, we work on the principle 'If Murray can do it, anyone can.'" - Mills

07/12/07
"This is the one topic where you can draw 'offensive' images and get away with it, so if you want to, feel free." - Substitute teacher
Human reproductive behaviour and sexual selection - Psychology.

21/11/07
"Imagine being raped to death, it would be so weird!" - Michael

"He only gets A grades because he distracts everyone else which brings the grade boundary down." - David, about Ed

Second-hand quotes (and yesterdays)

*pins Emma on the floor*
"How's your Lexis going to help you now?" - Dan

"You're not on a semantic field now are you?!" - Dan

03/10/07

“They didn’t have plastic lobsters back then!” - Hazel
Um, yeah. 17th century... Long story.

“The cat’s usually here” - Dan
“Usually? We’ve only met the cat once before!” - Hazel

“It looks like it has a nipple” - Dan, commenting on his calippo

*turns the tube of glue around*
“I’m quite offended by that” - Dan
“I’m sorry, it’s PVA” - Hazel
It said 'tube' on it and Dan said there shouldn't be any 'tube's without a 'you' on the beginning.

“You just want a gay man to make you dinner” - Dan
I so do. Lol.

Good Times

28/09/07

We met a cat on our way home, (s)he followed us (and we encouraged him/her), these comments were made...

"That's a weird noise" - Dan

"Don't meow, it's not that far" - Dan

"That's not even a real noise!" - Dan

In reference to the above statement in italics
"Shall I just change it back to 'him'?" - Hazel
"No, I'm gay, gender confusing is very bad, it's not good for my species" - Dan

24/09/07

"Just shut up, I hate you..." - Mills

"Time flies when you're doing maths" - Harry

Boo!

Today - 17/09/07
"Yay! It's Hitler; I missed him" - Becky

"Lower level brain.. Murray" - Mills
"Yeah? ... I shouldn't have responded to that, eh" - Murray

"Look! My scab is a person!" - Carol
Um, yeah. Drawing on her legs. An attempt to stop Dan and my pen fight. Which really hurt actually... And took ages to scrub off.

"But I was on your side!" - Dan
"Yes, literally!" - Hazel
Yeah, playing bowling on the Wii. I was winning so he sat on me and made me have my go from lying on my side with him sitting on me...

"Women have PMT, Men have too much testosterone; I'm just going to marry a plant" - Dan
Cue comments about 'too much chlorophyll'.

16/09/07
"My dad had another dad when he was little, isn't that weird" - Alex (age 5 - I think)

"I'm pregnant!" - Benny
"How did that happen?" - Carol
Sparkle's 6 year old brother trying to distract him :P.

"Benny, why don't you sit down somewhere where you can spill your drink in a safe way" - Sib
Mother's are clever.

"Why are you knitting animal carcasses?" - Phillip
"Because I had some purple wool and nothing better to do with it" - Carol

"Dad, I'm going to do something very silly" - Benny
*Phillip laughs*
"That would be a change" - Phillip

"They're not hooker boots" But if I were to go to a fancy dress party dressed as a hooker I would wear them" - Carol

Cornwall quotes

Just remembered I have some! These were from the weekend of 24-27/08/07.

"I know why the man walked to St Ives, 'cause there were no car parks!" - Kathy

Having just gone past St. Michaels Hill...
"Aren't we going to see St. Michael's whatsit?" - Mum
*Kathy and I grin*
...
"I thought we were going to see St. Michael's thingymabob!" - Kathy
*giggling ensues - from me and Kathy*
"Oh yeah, we're mature" - Hazel

"I'm fine, no one tooted" - Kathy
"That's not the definition of fine" - Mark

"It's an acquired taste, which we hadn't acquired" - Mark

"With all this stress I must confess, this could be worse than PMS" - Shania Twain, Honey I'm Home
Dad had loads of Shania Twain on his MP3 and I left my CD player at home because it wasn't working properly...

Running out of titles. This will have to do.

23/06/07
"I mean, I'm not a pigeon but... " - Hazel
Lol, not actually sure what this was about - was talking about something in Wolverhampton... ?

Don't know dates - in the last week

Talking about the new programming language the computing students will use starting now.
"The reason for that is that VB.net can write programs which could actually hack into the system" - Kate
*various - 'ooh cool' noises*
"Why do you tell us this?" - Viraaj
"Yes, perhaps I shouldn't have, but oh well" - Kate

"You're my guinea pigs, I'm sorry for this but it's fun for me to see you suffer a bit" - Kate

"A lazy student is almost an ex-student as far as I'm concerned" - Kate
Good good.

"You're my security blanket" - Dan
"Well you'll have to sleep with me then" - Nat
Dan's comment: Smooth Nat

Quite a bit older - not sure from when:
"So you're allowed to smoke in the park but not if, like, the park has a... ceiling" - Rai

"There's nothing worse than a *insert word from list below here* student" - Kate
List: lazy, time-wasting, banging; there are more but I don't really remember them - anyone remember more?
This is the terrible Kate quote, used repetitively, again and again and again and again and... well you get the picture.

"I want to eat myself, that's bad" - Kat 2 (and her tasty lipgloss)

"It's gotta be good if it's got a prostitute in it" - Dan/Hazel (we both said it at different times) - talking about films
We then watched 'The Wedding Date', excellent film.

"Ok, and that makes me a retard" - Mills
Lol, he thought I'd done it wrong when really I hadn't - it was in degrees, not radians.

"4÷2 is 8!" - Mills
"Just wait! Chris is on a roll" - Graham

"If I'm in a bad mood I'll eat an apple" - Dan, on healthy eating

"I still think it's a jolly good night for a murder" - Hastings, from 'Murder in the Mews' - Poirot

18/05/07
"A lot of trees have died so that you could have these revision packs, please make sure their deaths were not in vain" - Kate

*To the tune of 'Close to You' by the Carpenters - say the 'Jeremy' bit quickly*
"Why does Jade fancy Jeremy so, even though, he says no" - Rai
*end song*
"'cause she's a rapist" - Jeremy
"Aw, you're just hiding your own feelings" - Jade
"For Jeremy?" - Rai
"Yeah" - Jade
"It's so true" - Rai
:P

"I was just going to see his penis but it was really good!" - Faye about Equus
Lol, reading this quote it sounds like she's saying the penis was really good not the play. But it's the play she meant if you didn't know.

"Yeah, everyone either pretended to be gay, loved the Nazis or cut themselves" - Jeremy, commenting on the 'categories' of his secondary school
...
"Yeah, I was a gay, nazi-loving cutter" - Jeremy
Lol

"I long to be tortured by someone named Charisse but I can see that you do not share my taste" - Henry, from 'The Time Traveller's wife'
Very good book.

03/05/07
"The Hazel-Ann, sounds like a pub" - Jacqueline
"Great, my name sounds like a pub..." - Hazel
"Or a ship of some kind" - Jacqueline

24/01/07
"And that's what we're going to do, unless we do something else" - Mills

I know that I have a couple more quotes somewhere on a piece of cardboard under a running out pad of refill but I'm not sure where I put it... well, when I find it they'll go on here too...

MSN Convo... mm, sheep

"I believe we should have a discussion with tea and biscuits... and cakes" says:
I'm running away now
Dan. They May Believe You But I Never Will says:
no u're not!
"I believe we should have a discussion with tea and biscuits... and cakes" says:
Yes I am
Dan. They May Believe You But I Never Will says:
bad HAZIEL!
"I believe we should have a discussion with tea and biscuits... and cakes" says:
lol
Dan. They May Believe You But I Never Will says:
HAZIIIIIIIEEEEEL
"I believe we should have a discussion with tea and biscuits... and cakes" says:
I need to do revision!!
Dan. They May Believe You But I Never Will says:
NOOOOOOO
Dan. They May Believe You But I Never Will says:
GOOD HAZEL :(
"I believe we should have a discussion with tea and biscuits... and cakes" says:
And then I need sleeeep and stuff
Dan. They May Believe You But I Never Will says:
thought tht sed sheep then
"I believe we should have a discussion with tea and biscuits... and cakes" says:
lol!
Dan. They May Believe You But I Never Will says:
I wondered why you needed sheep
"I believe we should have a discussion with tea and biscuits... and cakes" says:
:P
Dan. They May Believe You But I Never Will says:
surely tht shud go in the book which doesn't exist anymore

London, baby!

20/04/07
*holding her travelcard*
"Look! It's curved!" - Kat
"It's Curt?" - Dan and Hazel simultaneously
"Yes, Curt's been in my bra for the last few hours" - Kat

"Let's stop talking about how I'm going to die now" - Hazel
Oh the great topics we have, lol.

"Hey look! It's the London Pie!" - Dan
"The London Pie?" - Hazel
"Yeah" - Dan
* Kat turns around to peer out the window*
"Where?" - Kat

Note to Dan/Kat: If you think of any other quotes from yesterday then please do remind me :). Love you! xxx