Doctor Who

"Where did you learn to cook?" - Craig
"Paris. In the eighteenth century. No, hang on. That's not recent is it? Seventeenth? No no, twentieth. Sorry, I'm not used to doing them in the right order." - Doctor
"Has anyone ever told you that you're a bit weird?" - Craig
"They never really stop." - Doctor

"Now all I've got to do is pass as an ordinary human being. Simple. What could possibly go wrong." - Doctor
"Have you seen you?" - Amy

"You. Me. Handcuffs. Must it always end this way?" - River, to the Doctor

"You've swallowed a planet." - Doctor
"I'm pregnant." - Amy
"You're huge." - Doctor
"Yeah, I'm pregnant." - Amy
"Look at you! When world's collide." - Doctor
"Doctor, I'm pregnant." - Amy
"Oh, look at you both! Five years later and you haven't changed a bit. Apart from age and... size." -Doctor
"Oh it's good to see you Doctor." - Amy
"Are you pregnant?" - Doctor

“Aw, my boys, my poncho boys, If we're going to die, let's die looking like a Peruvian folk band” - Amy

"Oh please. Have you always been this disgusting?" - Amy
"No. That's recent." - Doctor

"You graffitied the oldest cliff face in the Universe!" - Doctor
"You wouldn't answer your phone!" - River

"Are you married, River?" - Doctor
"Are you asking?" - River
"Yes" - Doctor
"Yes" - River
"No. Hang on. Did you think I was asking you to marry me or asking if you were married?" - Doctor
"Yes" - River
"No, but was that yes or yes?" - Doctor
"Yes" - River
"River. Who are you?" - Doctor
"You're going to find out very soon now. And I'm sorry. But that's when everything changes." - River

Journey 2: The Mysterious Island

“It's ok, we just gotta think, we gotta think of a way to get... I got it.” - Hank
“What?” - Sean
“Scuba tanks” - Hank
“What, are we listing things that we don't have? Ok, ah, a jet pack, a girlfriend, calligraphy paper” - Sean
“No no, listen to me, we just- calligraphy paper.” - Hank
“Yeah, just popped into my head” - Sean

"'Kay, it's only a hundred feet down, we got two hits of air with us” - Hank
“Right” - Sean
“Are you ready?” - Hank
“Am I ready? Are you ready?” - Sean
“Oh I'm totally ready" - Hank
“Well I'm totally ready" - Sean
“Well I'm probably more ready than you" - Hank
“There's no way, I'm like twice as ready as you are” - Sean
“...”
“We're procrastinating out of fear aren't we” - Sean
“Oh absolutely” - Hank

Derren Brown, Tim Minchin

"Stealing a tie from someone's neck is a useful skill when meeting a rival candidate just before a job interview" - Derren Brown

"I’m a pragmatist, I don’t take drugs, I like jogging, I’ve been mostly with one girl since I lost my virginity, I like my family, I don’t swear in front of kids or name my children Pizza." – Tim Minchin

"You’re allowed a luxury also to take to the island" - Kirsty Young
"... yeah, I assume lots of people say robotic sex doll" - Tim Minchin

Um... Title? Meh.

"Thou shalt not covet the Christian boys" - Piero

"People are not being rude, they're just being Chinese" - Harold - on Mandarin audio course
Lol, just explaining how they don't use 'thank you' like we do, but I found it quite amusing, especially since my mum is Chinese...

Christmas time

Commenting on the new branding of Hobbycraft
"It used to be like 'I am a graphic designer and this is a good art shop'. Now it's like 'here are some crafts for you to do, wife'." - Rachel

"Cardiff - it's like living under the sea" - Rachel

"Can you imagine me in 3D?" - Dan

"I like the way you're swaying, it's quite creepy." - Dan, to Hazel

"What are you doing?" - Dan
"You said I had to fix my glasses." - Hazel
"I never said you had to." - Dan
"You said you couldn't look at me!" - Hazel

"It fits, I'm fit, you're fit, let's go for it." - Dan's new motto for finding a boyfriend whose clothes he can wear


Things that caught my eye on Facebook

"I wear hoodies because I'm cold, not because I'm going to knife you."

"Do you know any good jokes about Sodium?"
"Na"


I find it hard to come up with titles for these posts unless all the quotes have a clear theme, so this time I put 'Christmas time' to refer to the time I collected the quotes, however, having done so I feel obliged to also put in some Christmas related things.

The 3 stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus. He doesn't believe in Santa Claus. He is Santa Claus.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.

"Bloody Christmas, here again, let us raise a loving cup, peace on earth, goodwill to men, and make them do the washing up." - Wendy Copes

Ah, listening.

"I am masculine! I have weights." - Matt
"Be honest, you're not masculine, Matt" - Harly
"I did some sewing last night" - Matt
"I don't think you're helping yourself" - Harly

"Are they married?"
"Yes, I'm pretty sure they are, if they're not, there's far too much kissing going on"

Overheard conversations

"Aww, I love you" - Guy
"I know" - Girl
"And... do you love me?" - Guy
"I said it earlier." - Girl

In the kitchenware section of IKEA
"OH LOOK, IT'S THERE!" - Guy 1
"Shh!" - Guy 2
"It's perfect!" - Guy 1
"It's just a tray, Stuart" - Guy 3

Ten second songs

These are a few 'ten second songs' taken from Alessandra Rizzotti's blog, not quite sure why I came across it, I think it was a link from Facebook. Anyway, so I read it and picked out a few that I like. They're based on e-mails from her mother.

‘Sweaters’

Sweaters are warm/But not as warm as you/You’re as toasty as toast/Like a heater from Home Depot/Gosh, that’s cute that I said that because I love Home Depot, especially their curtains section

‘First Period. Hysterical’

First period/It was a mess/Don’t worry, I’m referring to an educational class I took in seventh grade/I believe it was mathematics

‘Purse’

Purse/I want an expensive one/Like one from Burberry/Don’t you have money to get me one?/Of course not/You have a low paying job/Why didn’t I ever force you to become an engineer?

‘Is The Cat Thing Going to Happen Or Are You Going to Let Me Down?’

Are we getting these cats or are you letting me down?/Don’t make me frown/I’m not in the mood/I just want a cat to squeeze/But not so that it bleeds…(because that would get messy and I’d need some carpet cleaner)

Facebook Groups

Just a couple of group names I found on Facebook that quite amused me

Leonardo DiCaprio never died in Titanic - the end scene of Titanic is of him going underwater. The beginning scene of Inception is him waking up on a beach. It's like a movie within a movie.

'I'm a ninja'
'No you're not'
'Did you see me do that?'
'Do what?'
'Exactly.'

Soul Survivor B 2011

As well as some amazing teaching and great worship there were many entertaining moments of Soul Survivor. I noted a few funny quotes down (mostly from Sanga's talks, so brilliant) which I thought I'd share here...

Talking about girls dreams vs boys dreams
"Batman, Spiderman, Superman - they weren't fantasies for us growing up. They were options." - Sanga

"That night I had enough testosterone in me to jump start a dead elephant. I wasn't Bambi, I was a wild stallion!" - Sanga

Talking about getting old
"Here we visit portaloos. There will come a day when we are a portaloo. At the moment, things work. One day, they'll drop off." - Crofty

"As the great philosopher Edmund Blackadder once said 'Life is like a broken pencil... pointless.'" - - Mike P

"When the bride comes down the aisle, I like to look at the groom, to see if he'll cry. In my church they nearly all cry 'cause they're a bunch of wimps." - Mike P

"You know, when boy meets girl, and girl meets testosterone." - Sanga

"You're going to see some images of Haman now... well that's not Haman, that's a goat." - Sanga

"My grandma used to call me daddy long legs ... I used to want to punch granny in the moustache" - Sanga

Talking about chat up lines
"You might have a Christian guy called Will, who goes up to a girl and says 'My name's Will... God's Will'" - Sanga

Sanga used the first of these quotes below in his talk, and I got distracted surfing the net and found some more I wanted to post, so these are quotes from kids about love and marriage

How would you make your marriage work?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck. - Ricky, 10

How can a stranger tell if two people are married?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. - Derrick, 8

What would you do on a first date that was turning sour?
I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. - Craig, 9

When is it okay to kiss someone?
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that. - Curt, 7

What's your best advice about love?
Don't forget your wife's name. That will mess up the love. - Erin, 8

Titles of Love Ballads You Can Sing To Your Loved One:

'I Love Hamburgers, I Like You!' - Eddie, 6
'You Are My Darling Even Though You Also Know My Sister.' - Larry, 8
'I Am In Love With You Most of the Time, But Don't Bother Me When I'm With My Friends.' - Bob, 9
'How Do I Love Thee When You're Always Picking Your Nose?' - Arnold, 10
'Hey, Baby, I Don't Like Girls, But I'm Willing To Forget You Are One!' - Will, 7

Toilet Door Quotes

There was a street art exhibition on near me recently and one of the things they exhibited was one of the female toilet doors from a local pub which had lots of things written on it, here are a couple of those things:

"I'm celebrating my love for you with a pint of beer and a new tattoo"

"I dream of a world where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned."

Random...

These are various quotes that I had stored on my phone, I don't remember who said some of them though!

"I was weaseling" - ?
"What is that?" - ?
"It's not trying to catch weasels with your bare hands is it? 'Cause that would be awesome!" - Ali

"Yeah but Orlando Bloom is definitely gay" - Tim
"How do you know this? Did he hit on you?" - Naomi F

*Matt mumbles*
"What did you say?!" - Jess
"No... I want to keep my testicles." - Matt

"I'm taking my slippers off, it's getting serious now" - Matt

From Summer Events:

"If I wanted to get in the national papers, I would do something scandalous and unChristian." - Tom

"Unzip my genes" - on the back of a biology students' hoodie

"I could be your Boaz" - On a guy's t-shirt at Momentum

Grace. Amen.

Well, we've had a book of 'Pocket Graces' for rather a long time, but I came across it again yesterday, so thought I might put up some of the graces from it that particularly amused me :).

Graces for organisations:

The Army:
Thank you, Lord, for this Mess. Amen

The Navy:
No chaplain. Thank God. Amen.

Humourous Graces:

God bless this bunch as they munch their lunch.

For porridge and for buttered toast,
Praise Father, Son and Holy Ghost.

This is the day the Lord has made,
Thanks for the toast and marmalade.

For well-filled plate,
And brimming cup,
And freedom from the washing up.
We thank you, Lord. Amen.

Lord, as we begin this new day,
Help us not to be like porridge,
Stiff and stodgy and slow to stir,
But like cornflakes,
Crisp and light and ready to serve.

Thanks for breakfast, lunch and dinner,
If it weren't for you I'd be much thinner.

Graces by children:

Dear Lord Jesus, I'm sorry.
Sometimes I think about food too much. I dream of all the delicious things there are to eat when I really should be doing other things.
Please help me not to make food so important and help me not be greedy at meal times.
Amen.

Dear Father God,
Thank you for the food we eat, especially the chips and hot dogs.
Thank you for the hot dog man who makes them for me.
Amen.
- Ajay Jilka, aged 6

Dear God,
Thank you for the cheese and peanut butter and jam for my sandwiches.
- Adam Martin, aged 5

Thank you, God, for all our food.
Thank you for keeping the fishermen safe when they are at sea catching fish for my dinner.
Amen.
- Henry Miller, aged 6

Facebook group name...

"Dear A-levels, you are slowly destroying me as a person. I hope you're happy."

Also a comment made on this page:
"ahhhh screw everything. it's cider time :)"

Berlin etc.

To be old and wise you must first be young and stupid
This was on a t-shirt someone was wearing in Berlin. I think I've come across the quote before, but thought I'd post it nonetheless :)

"Was he balancing it up his arm?" - Georgie
"Yeah" - Hazel
"Skinny and talented" - Georgie

"Hazel's living on the dark side!" - Sophie
"The dark side?" - Lucy
"I mean the wild side..." - Sophie
Commenting on crossing roads in Berlin, lol...

"A good friend is one who gets crab out of your hair for you" - Cat

"I didn't escape a fire to inhale more smoke, ok?"
I overhead someone say this when we were all standing outside uni (some people smoking) after the fire alarm went off (due to a smoke machine being used in the new media department...)

If you're not part of the solution you're part of the precipitate
I saw this on a t-shirt on the CU training weekend :P

"I've kind of been taking all her roles" - Jonny
"Ham or cheese?" - Matt

"Duvets are a girl's best friend" - On Nai's jumper

"Doesn't he look like he should be in Harry Potter? He's a wizard, I know it." - Jess (about a guest speaker)

"My braincells are falling off the side of my head..." - Colin

"Just make sure you sign in on the floaty, floaty register thing" - Colin
Yay for floaty, floaty register things?

"Children are basically dangerous psychopaths that we change into human beings" - Gordon (lecturer)

Various...

Here are a few quotes that I had left on my phone...

"If I die, fill my coffin with cheesecake and cider" - Matt

"Big box, little box, cardboard fish" - Harly

"Who took that photo?" - Georgia
"A goat" - Matt

"I will break your hand with an axe!" - Tane, to Peter
He's only 6! Already threatening people about 9 times his age...


Also here are some quotes from the facebook page 'I hate it when you're with MC Hammer and he won't let you touch anything':

I hate it when you're with Lil Bow Wow and he keeps on asking you 'where my dog's at?'. Not only is it appalling grammar, he clearly isn't responsible enough to have pets!

I hate it when Madonna and Justin Timberlake are too busy standing on cars to save the world

I hate it when Bruce Springsteen dances in the dark and knocks things over. Idiot.

I hate that Aerosmith are constantly watching me because they don't want to miss a thing, it's unnerving.

I hate that I always find 50 Cent in da club. Does he even have a house to go home to?

I hate it when you're alone with Elvis and he's got a suspicious mind...

I hate the fact that Starship were given permission to build a city of rock and roll, it's just irresponsible.

I hate it when you're a weather man. Bewitched blame everything on you.

I hate being with No Doubt. They never let me speak.

I hate how One Republic hold a grudge. I said I'm sorry, ok?!

Latin Joke

I came across this on a friend's facebook page and looked it up out of curiosity. It's a rather bad joke, but brilliant under those circumstances, lol. Apparently it's quite an old joke...

"Semper ubi sub ubi"

(Technically meaning 'Always where under where')
There was also another one next to the explanation of this one:

"Ubi o ubi est meus sububi"

Though this was not explained, I think it is quite obvious when you know the first one...

101 Favourite Comic Poems

I recently got out a book of amusing poems (title above), and I decided to put some of my favourites on here :). Of these, I particularly like 'On Taking a Wife', 'Weather Forecast' and 'Limerick about Limericks'.

Engraved on the Collar of a Dog, which I gave to His Royal Highness

I am his Highness' dog at Kew;

Pray tell me, sir, whose dog are you?
- Alexander Pope


A limerick about misunderstanding

There was an old fellow of Tring
Who, when somebody asked him to sing,
Replied, 'Ain't it odd?
I can never tell God
Save the Weasel from Pop goes the King.'
- Anon

A Case

As I was going up the stair
I met a man who wasn't there.
He wasn't there again today -
I wish to God he'd go away!
- Anon


On Taking a Wife

'Come, come,' said Tom's father, 'at your time of life,
There's no longer excuse for thus playing the rake.
It's time you should think, boy, of taking a wife.'
'Why so it is, father. Whose wife shall I take?'
- Thomas Moore


A Limerick about Eccentricity

There was an old loony of Lyme,
Whose candour was simply sublime;
When they asked, 'Are you there?'
'Yes,' he said, 'but take care,
For I'm never "all there" at a time.'
- Anon


Weather Forecast

The rain it raineth every day,
Upon the just and unjust fella,
But more upon the just, because
The unjust has the just's umbrella.
- Anon


A Limerick about Health

There was a faith-healer of Deal,
Who said, 'Although pain isn't real,
If I sit on a pin
And it punctures my skin,
I dislike what I fancy I feel.'
- Anon


Limerick about Limericks

There was a young man of Japan,
Whose limericks never would scan,
When they said it was so,
He replied, 'Yes, I know,
But I always try to get as many words into the last line as ever I possibly can.'
- Anon

From my trip to see Carol

"Yes, it's economically sound, but isn't it just a bit pointless?" - Simeon

From some of the quotes in a very cool t-shirt shop:

What if the Hokey Cokey really IS what it's all about?

I'm not bossy

I just have better ideas

I'M NOT TENSE

I'm just terribly terribly alert

I'm not weird

I'm gifted

nice person

wrong planet

Of course I don't look busy

- I did it right the first time.

The Liver is

EVIL

and must be

PUNISHED

Teehee, good stuff.

Plaques

These were on plaques at my cousins' house :P

"Raising teenagers is like nailing jello to a tree"

"Oh, I'm sorry. You must be confusing me with the maid we don't have"