A few old quotes

"This is just lemon right?" - Linda
"Yeah, lemon juice." - Hazel
"It's not poison." - Linda
"Yeah, because we keep poison in the fridge." - Hazel
"Some people do." - Linda
"I'll be sure to let you know if I put poison in the fridge." - Hazel
"I hope so." - Linda

"That's how clean my hands are; bugs die when they touch me."- Jess

"I had a car that did this once, then it blew up." - Tabbi

"I don't know what they are but they're shiny." - Carol about an art piece

"This is like the best TV programme ever! Fat people and Lady Gaga." - Aidan

"It's like you concertina-ed your face!" - Naomi to Nat

"I love how it's like: Fashion try so hard, Graphics are kind of cool without trying, and Fine Art just don't give a shit." - Aidan

"I always forget that people can see through windows. My neighbours have definitely seen me naked at least 5 times each." - Meg

*Discussing creepy Disney characters*
"Miss Haversham?" - ?
"That's not Disney, that's Charles Dickens." - Aidan

"Post-monkey Ross is good." - Megyn

Doctor Who

"Where did you learn to cook?" - Craig
"Paris. In the eighteenth century. No, hang on. That's not recent is it? Seventeenth? No no, twentieth. Sorry, I'm not used to doing them in the right order." - Doctor
"Has anyone ever told you that you're a bit weird?" - Craig
"They never really stop." - Doctor

"Now all I've got to do is pass as an ordinary human being. Simple. What could possibly go wrong." - Doctor
"Have you seen you?" - Amy

"You. Me. Handcuffs. Must it always end this way?" - River, to the Doctor

"You've swallowed a planet." - Doctor
"I'm pregnant." - Amy
"You're huge." - Doctor
"Yeah, I'm pregnant." - Amy
"Look at you! When world's collide." - Doctor
"Doctor, I'm pregnant." - Amy
"Oh, look at you both! Five years later and you haven't changed a bit. Apart from age and... size." -Doctor
"Oh it's good to see you Doctor." - Amy
"Are you pregnant?" - Doctor

“Aw, my boys, my poncho boys, If we're going to die, let's die looking like a Peruvian folk band” - Amy

"Oh please. Have you always been this disgusting?" - Amy
"No. That's recent." - Doctor

"You graffitied the oldest cliff face in the Universe!" - Doctor
"You wouldn't answer your phone!" - River

"Are you married, River?" - Doctor
"Are you asking?" - River
"Yes" - Doctor
"Yes" - River
"No. Hang on. Did you think I was asking you to marry me or asking if you were married?" - Doctor
"Yes" - River
"No, but was that yes or yes?" - Doctor
"Yes" - River
"River. Who are you?" - Doctor
"You're going to find out very soon now. And I'm sorry. But that's when everything changes." - River

Journey 2: The Mysterious Island

“It's ok, we just gotta think, we gotta think of a way to get... I got it.” - Hank
“What?” - Sean
“Scuba tanks” - Hank
“What, are we listing things that we don't have? Ok, ah, a jet pack, a girlfriend, calligraphy paper” - Sean
“No no, listen to me, we just- calligraphy paper.” - Hank
“Yeah, just popped into my head” - Sean

"'Kay, it's only a hundred feet down, we got two hits of air with us” - Hank
“Right” - Sean
“Are you ready?” - Hank
“Am I ready? Are you ready?” - Sean
“Oh I'm totally ready" - Hank
“Well I'm totally ready" - Sean
“Well I'm probably more ready than you" - Hank
“There's no way, I'm like twice as ready as you are” - Sean
“...”
“We're procrastinating out of fear aren't we” - Sean
“Oh absolutely” - Hank

Derren Brown, Tim Minchin

"Stealing a tie from someone's neck is a useful skill when meeting a rival candidate just before a job interview" - Derren Brown

"I’m a pragmatist, I don’t take drugs, I like jogging, I’ve been mostly with one girl since I lost my virginity, I like my family, I don’t swear in front of kids or name my children Pizza." – Tim Minchin

"You’re allowed a luxury also to take to the island" - Kirsty Young
"... yeah, I assume lots of people say robotic sex doll" - Tim Minchin

Uni Life

"Pass it!" - Harly
"I'm not going to throw it, you penis" - Aidan
"Why?" - Harly
"'Cause it's a knife!" - Aidan

"This isn't my school uniform, it's my clothes!" - Sarah C

"It's only for like, 3 days in summer that uni actually looks like the prospectus" - Aidan

"You've crossed the line" - Aidan
"I don't have a line!" - Kate M

"Good ol' black pudding" - Julietta
"Nothing like a bit of blood in the morning" - Hazel

Easy A

"Hi, is there an Olive here?" - Brandon
"There's a whole jar of them in the fridge" - Rosemary (Olive's mother)
"Oh, I'm sorry I must have the wrong address" - Brandon
"Just kidding, come in, any friend of Olive's is a friend of our daughter's" - Rosemary

"What are you doing?!" - Brandon
"Relax, Jesus, what is it with you gays, are you really that repulsed by lady parts? What do you think I have down there, a gnome?" - Olive

"He seems like a nice kid, he seemed a little incredibly gay" - Rosemary
"Dyed in the wool homosexual that boy is" - Olive
"I just want you to know, your father and I are totally supportive. We love you no matter what the sexual orientation of your opposite sex sex-partner." - Rosemary
"We're not dating mom" - Olive
"And don't worry about not making us grandparents, although we were kind of hoping you'd get knocked up, so we'd have a second shot at raising kids, really do it right this time." - Rosemary
"Bye now" - Olive
"You know, I dated a homosexual once. For a long time. A loooong time." - Rosemary

"Can I help you with something?" - Bookseller
"The Bible" - Olive
"Oh, that's in best sellers, right next to Twilight" - Bookseller

"You left your glass slipper at the party last night." - Todd
"Yeah, and I got pumpkin all over my dress too, C'est la vie." - Olive
"La vie" - Todd
"Nice, solid joke." - Olive

"I was just wondering if there was a minister around... Is it not a minister? A reverend? A wizard?" - Olive

"Is everything alright? It sounds like you're having sex up here, which I know can't be true due to the fact that you have a homosexual boyfriend." - Dill (Olive's father)

"Where are you from originally?" - Dill, to his adopted son Chip

"That's the promotion for this movie. Put your crackers away, see Easy A" - From film commentary

A bit of TV/Radio/Film

“He was so rich he’d given his manners to a charity shop” – Sandi Toksvig, The News Quiz

"I get Guantanemo mixed up with guacamole" - Jeremy Hardy, The News Quiz

"Isn't it because you're from the professional show-biz cookery world and you want to keep telling us that it's a very special art when really cooking is just making food a bit hotter" – Frank Skinner to Gregg Wallace, Room 101

"Where's my coffee pot?" - Ally
"I broke it. If you were on Twitter you'd know that already." - Colin, What's Your Number?

"You are a cynical crapehanger who always sees the glass as half empty." - Sondra
"No, you're wrong, I see it half full but, of poison" - Sid, Scoop

"I think you’re wrong on that." - Hodges
"I’m sorry?" - Morgan
"Oh, don’t be sorry, just be wrong." - Hodges, CSI

Ah, Housemates

"The light was flickering so I punched it 'cause I thought it would help" - Matt

"You. You brought Prince Phillip into this!" - Harly, to Matt

"It's like having a dog, but it can speak back to you... you don't have to put a nappy on a dog." - Matt, on the topic of children

"All I really need is a hob and a toaster, I don't need a wife" - Matt
(admittedly, this sounds more sexist than it was in context)

"It's like the boy who cried wolf, but with toilet roll" - Matt

"I don't know how to make myself look more oriental" - Hazel
"Carry a dragon" - Harly

"I didn't say anything!" - Hazel
"I heard you with your tone of eyes" - Harly

"This is definitely a student house; I'm standing here eating bits of flapjack out of a bowl and you're eating a cucumber, one slice at a time." - Matt, to Hazel

At a Vineyard Worship Evening

"I was just thinking, this would not be the place to collapse from a medical condition, 'cause everyone would just think it was the Holy Spirit. See, in a Church of England, if someone collapsed, they'd get help!" - Clare

Um... Title? Meh.

"Thou shalt not covet the Christian boys" - Piero

"People are not being rude, they're just being Chinese" - Harold - on Mandarin audio course
Lol, just explaining how they don't use 'thank you' like we do, but I found it quite amusing, especially since my mum is Chinese...

Bitter Lemon

"I want this lemonade but I'm scared because it says it's bitter" - Piero

Just a couple...

"You really can't get away with swinging a baby nowadays" - Harly

"It's the kind of music I see myself dying to" - Julietta, on club music

The News Quiz - Series 76 Episode 3

"I have never been to an exercise class in my life, I find them repulsive and reprehensive, one should accept oneselves the way they are and have another pie" - Susan Calman

On the subject of why she doesn't use Twitter
"If I want people to know my innermost thoughts, there's nothing wrong with a megaphone in Waitrose" - Sandi Toksvig

Christmas time

Commenting on the new branding of Hobbycraft
"It used to be like 'I am a graphic designer and this is a good art shop'. Now it's like 'here are some crafts for you to do, wife'." - Rachel

"Cardiff - it's like living under the sea" - Rachel

"Can you imagine me in 3D?" - Dan

"I like the way you're swaying, it's quite creepy." - Dan, to Hazel

"What are you doing?" - Dan
"You said I had to fix my glasses." - Hazel
"I never said you had to." - Dan
"You said you couldn't look at me!" - Hazel

"It fits, I'm fit, you're fit, let's go for it." - Dan's new motto for finding a boyfriend whose clothes he can wear


Things that caught my eye on Facebook

"I wear hoodies because I'm cold, not because I'm going to knife you."

"Do you know any good jokes about Sodium?"
"Na"


I find it hard to come up with titles for these posts unless all the quotes have a clear theme, so this time I put 'Christmas time' to refer to the time I collected the quotes, however, having done so I feel obliged to also put in some Christmas related things.

The 3 stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus. He doesn't believe in Santa Claus. He is Santa Claus.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.

"Bloody Christmas, here again, let us raise a loving cup, peace on earth, goodwill to men, and make them do the washing up." - Wendy Copes

Ah, listening.

"I am masculine! I have weights." - Matt
"Be honest, you're not masculine, Matt" - Harly
"I did some sewing last night" - Matt
"I don't think you're helping yourself" - Harly

"Are they married?"
"Yes, I'm pretty sure they are, if they're not, there's far too much kissing going on"

Overheard conversations

"Aww, I love you" - Guy
"I know" - Girl
"And... do you love me?" - Guy
"I said it earlier." - Girl

In the kitchenware section of IKEA
"OH LOOK, IT'S THERE!" - Guy 1
"Shh!" - Guy 2
"It's perfect!" - Guy 1
"It's just a tray, Stuart" - Guy 3

Ten second songs

These are a few 'ten second songs' taken from Alessandra Rizzotti's blog, not quite sure why I came across it, I think it was a link from Facebook. Anyway, so I read it and picked out a few that I like. They're based on e-mails from her mother.

‘Sweaters’

Sweaters are warm/But not as warm as you/You’re as toasty as toast/Like a heater from Home Depot/Gosh, that’s cute that I said that because I love Home Depot, especially their curtains section

‘First Period. Hysterical’

First period/It was a mess/Don’t worry, I’m referring to an educational class I took in seventh grade/I believe it was mathematics

‘Purse’

Purse/I want an expensive one/Like one from Burberry/Don’t you have money to get me one?/Of course not/You have a low paying job/Why didn’t I ever force you to become an engineer?

‘Is The Cat Thing Going to Happen Or Are You Going to Let Me Down?’

Are we getting these cats or are you letting me down?/Don’t make me frown/I’m not in the mood/I just want a cat to squeeze/But not so that it bleeds…(because that would get messy and I’d need some carpet cleaner)

Facebook Groups

Just a couple of group names I found on Facebook that quite amused me

Leonardo DiCaprio never died in Titanic - the end scene of Titanic is of him going underwater. The beginning scene of Inception is him waking up on a beach. It's like a movie within a movie.

'I'm a ninja'
'No you're not'
'Did you see me do that?'
'Do what?'
'Exactly.'

Soul Survivor B 2011

As well as some amazing teaching and great worship there were many entertaining moments of Soul Survivor. I noted a few funny quotes down (mostly from Sanga's talks, so brilliant) which I thought I'd share here...

Talking about girls dreams vs boys dreams
"Batman, Spiderman, Superman - they weren't fantasies for us growing up. They were options." - Sanga

"That night I had enough testosterone in me to jump start a dead elephant. I wasn't Bambi, I was a wild stallion!" - Sanga

Talking about getting old
"Here we visit portaloos. There will come a day when we are a portaloo. At the moment, things work. One day, they'll drop off." - Crofty

"As the great philosopher Edmund Blackadder once said 'Life is like a broken pencil... pointless.'" - - Mike P

"When the bride comes down the aisle, I like to look at the groom, to see if he'll cry. In my church they nearly all cry 'cause they're a bunch of wimps." - Mike P

"You know, when boy meets girl, and girl meets testosterone." - Sanga

"You're going to see some images of Haman now... well that's not Haman, that's a goat." - Sanga

"My grandma used to call me daddy long legs ... I used to want to punch granny in the moustache" - Sanga

Talking about chat up lines
"You might have a Christian guy called Will, who goes up to a girl and says 'My name's Will... God's Will'" - Sanga

Sanga used the first of these quotes below in his talk, and I got distracted surfing the net and found some more I wanted to post, so these are quotes from kids about love and marriage

How would you make your marriage work?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck. - Ricky, 10

How can a stranger tell if two people are married?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. - Derrick, 8

What would you do on a first date that was turning sour?
I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. - Craig, 9

When is it okay to kiss someone?
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that. - Curt, 7

What's your best advice about love?
Don't forget your wife's name. That will mess up the love. - Erin, 8

Titles of Love Ballads You Can Sing To Your Loved One:

'I Love Hamburgers, I Like You!' - Eddie, 6
'You Are My Darling Even Though You Also Know My Sister.' - Larry, 8
'I Am In Love With You Most of the Time, But Don't Bother Me When I'm With My Friends.' - Bob, 9
'How Do I Love Thee When You're Always Picking Your Nose?' - Arnold, 10
'Hey, Baby, I Don't Like Girls, But I'm Willing To Forget You Are One!' - Will, 7

Toilet Door Quotes

There was a street art exhibition on near me recently and one of the things they exhibited was one of the female toilet doors from a local pub which had lots of things written on it, here are a couple of those things:

"I'm celebrating my love for you with a pint of beer and a new tattoo"

"I dream of a world where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned."

New Layout

I thought it was time for a change, so finally updated the look of this blog, I like it very much :). I also found how to put the labels in the side bar so it's easier to navigate the quotes!
I may start to do only 1 quote per post (or divide them into the people) so that you don't come up with a massive post when you just wanted to find a quote by one person. I wouldn't go back and change previous posts - except perhaps the 'Random' ones which could do with a bit more specific labelling.
Hope you like it! :)