A few old quotes

"This is just lemon right?" - Linda
"Yeah, lemon juice." - Hazel
"It's not poison." - Linda
"Yeah, because we keep poison in the fridge." - Hazel
"Some people do." - Linda
"I'll be sure to let you know if I put poison in the fridge." - Hazel
"I hope so." - Linda

"That's how clean my hands are; bugs die when they touch me."- Jess

"I had a car that did this once, then it blew up." - Tabbi

"I don't know what they are but they're shiny." - Carol about an art piece

"This is like the best TV programme ever! Fat people and Lady Gaga." - Aidan

"It's like you concertina-ed your face!" - Naomi to Nat

"I love how it's like: Fashion try so hard, Graphics are kind of cool without trying, and Fine Art just don't give a shit." - Aidan

"I always forget that people can see through windows. My neighbours have definitely seen me naked at least 5 times each." - Meg

*Discussing creepy Disney characters*
"Miss Haversham?" - ?
"That's not Disney, that's Charles Dickens." - Aidan

"Post-monkey Ross is good." - Megyn

Doctor Who

"Where did you learn to cook?" - Craig
"Paris. In the eighteenth century. No, hang on. That's not recent is it? Seventeenth? No no, twentieth. Sorry, I'm not used to doing them in the right order." - Doctor
"Has anyone ever told you that you're a bit weird?" - Craig
"They never really stop." - Doctor

"Now all I've got to do is pass as an ordinary human being. Simple. What could possibly go wrong." - Doctor
"Have you seen you?" - Amy

"You. Me. Handcuffs. Must it always end this way?" - River, to the Doctor

"You've swallowed a planet." - Doctor
"I'm pregnant." - Amy
"You're huge." - Doctor
"Yeah, I'm pregnant." - Amy
"Look at you! When world's collide." - Doctor
"Doctor, I'm pregnant." - Amy
"Oh, look at you both! Five years later and you haven't changed a bit. Apart from age and... size." -Doctor
"Oh it's good to see you Doctor." - Amy
"Are you pregnant?" - Doctor

“Aw, my boys, my poncho boys, If we're going to die, let's die looking like a Peruvian folk band” - Amy

"Oh please. Have you always been this disgusting?" - Amy
"No. That's recent." - Doctor

"You graffitied the oldest cliff face in the Universe!" - Doctor
"You wouldn't answer your phone!" - River

"Are you married, River?" - Doctor
"Are you asking?" - River
"Yes" - Doctor
"Yes" - River
"No. Hang on. Did you think I was asking you to marry me or asking if you were married?" - Doctor
"Yes" - River
"No, but was that yes or yes?" - Doctor
"Yes" - River
"River. Who are you?" - Doctor
"You're going to find out very soon now. And I'm sorry. But that's when everything changes." - River

Journey 2: The Mysterious Island

“It's ok, we just gotta think, we gotta think of a way to get... I got it.” - Hank
“What?” - Sean
“Scuba tanks” - Hank
“What, are we listing things that we don't have? Ok, ah, a jet pack, a girlfriend, calligraphy paper” - Sean
“No no, listen to me, we just- calligraphy paper.” - Hank
“Yeah, just popped into my head” - Sean

"'Kay, it's only a hundred feet down, we got two hits of air with us” - Hank
“Right” - Sean
“Are you ready?” - Hank
“Am I ready? Are you ready?” - Sean
“Oh I'm totally ready" - Hank
“Well I'm totally ready" - Sean
“Well I'm probably more ready than you" - Hank
“There's no way, I'm like twice as ready as you are” - Sean
“...”
“We're procrastinating out of fear aren't we” - Sean
“Oh absolutely” - Hank

Derren Brown, Tim Minchin

"Stealing a tie from someone's neck is a useful skill when meeting a rival candidate just before a job interview" - Derren Brown

"I’m a pragmatist, I don’t take drugs, I like jogging, I’ve been mostly with one girl since I lost my virginity, I like my family, I don’t swear in front of kids or name my children Pizza." – Tim Minchin

"You’re allowed a luxury also to take to the island" - Kirsty Young
"... yeah, I assume lots of people say robotic sex doll" - Tim Minchin

Uni Life

"Pass it!" - Harly
"I'm not going to throw it, you penis" - Aidan
"Why?" - Harly
"'Cause it's a knife!" - Aidan

"This isn't my school uniform, it's my clothes!" - Sarah C

"It's only for like, 3 days in summer that uni actually looks like the prospectus" - Aidan

"You've crossed the line" - Aidan
"I don't have a line!" - Kate M

"Good ol' black pudding" - Julietta
"Nothing like a bit of blood in the morning" - Hazel

Easy A

"Hi, is there an Olive here?" - Brandon
"There's a whole jar of them in the fridge" - Rosemary (Olive's mother)
"Oh, I'm sorry I must have the wrong address" - Brandon
"Just kidding, come in, any friend of Olive's is a friend of our daughter's" - Rosemary

"What are you doing?!" - Brandon
"Relax, Jesus, what is it with you gays, are you really that repulsed by lady parts? What do you think I have down there, a gnome?" - Olive

"He seems like a nice kid, he seemed a little incredibly gay" - Rosemary
"Dyed in the wool homosexual that boy is" - Olive
"I just want you to know, your father and I are totally supportive. We love you no matter what the sexual orientation of your opposite sex sex-partner." - Rosemary
"We're not dating mom" - Olive
"And don't worry about not making us grandparents, although we were kind of hoping you'd get knocked up, so we'd have a second shot at raising kids, really do it right this time." - Rosemary
"Bye now" - Olive
"You know, I dated a homosexual once. For a long time. A loooong time." - Rosemary

"Can I help you with something?" - Bookseller
"The Bible" - Olive
"Oh, that's in best sellers, right next to Twilight" - Bookseller

"You left your glass slipper at the party last night." - Todd
"Yeah, and I got pumpkin all over my dress too, C'est la vie." - Olive
"La vie" - Todd
"Nice, solid joke." - Olive

"I was just wondering if there was a minister around... Is it not a minister? A reverend? A wizard?" - Olive

"Is everything alright? It sounds like you're having sex up here, which I know can't be true due to the fact that you have a homosexual boyfriend." - Dill (Olive's father)

"Where are you from originally?" - Dill, to his adopted son Chip

"That's the promotion for this movie. Put your crackers away, see Easy A" - From film commentary

A bit of TV/Radio/Film

“He was so rich he’d given his manners to a charity shop” – Sandi Toksvig, The News Quiz

"I get Guantanemo mixed up with guacamole" - Jeremy Hardy, The News Quiz

"Isn't it because you're from the professional show-biz cookery world and you want to keep telling us that it's a very special art when really cooking is just making food a bit hotter" – Frank Skinner to Gregg Wallace, Room 101

"Where's my coffee pot?" - Ally
"I broke it. If you were on Twitter you'd know that already." - Colin, What's Your Number?

"You are a cynical crapehanger who always sees the glass as half empty." - Sondra
"No, you're wrong, I see it half full but, of poison" - Sid, Scoop

"I think you’re wrong on that." - Hodges
"I’m sorry?" - Morgan
"Oh, don’t be sorry, just be wrong." - Hodges, CSI

Ah, Housemates

"The light was flickering so I punched it 'cause I thought it would help" - Matt

"You. You brought Prince Phillip into this!" - Harly, to Matt

"It's like having a dog, but it can speak back to you... you don't have to put a nappy on a dog." - Matt, on the topic of children

"All I really need is a hob and a toaster, I don't need a wife" - Matt
(admittedly, this sounds more sexist than it was in context)

"It's like the boy who cried wolf, but with toilet roll" - Matt

"I don't know how to make myself look more oriental" - Hazel
"Carry a dragon" - Harly

"I didn't say anything!" - Hazel
"I heard you with your tone of eyes" - Harly

"This is definitely a student house; I'm standing here eating bits of flapjack out of a bowl and you're eating a cucumber, one slice at a time." - Matt, to Hazel

At a Vineyard Worship Evening

"I was just thinking, this would not be the place to collapse from a medical condition, 'cause everyone would just think it was the Holy Spirit. See, in a Church of England, if someone collapsed, they'd get help!" - Clare

Um... Title? Meh.

"Thou shalt not covet the Christian boys" - Piero

"People are not being rude, they're just being Chinese" - Harold - on Mandarin audio course
Lol, just explaining how they don't use 'thank you' like we do, but I found it quite amusing, especially since my mum is Chinese...