From 'Bumper Stickers'

They're not really bumper stickers because I found them on the internet, not on cars, but they're still referred to as that...

'Let's eat Grandma!' or 'Let's eat, Grandma!' - punctuation, it saves lives

There's a fine line between speaking with a British accent and sounding drunk.

If you noticed this notice you will have noticed that this notice is not worth noticing.

The fact that you don't understand does NOT mean that it doesn't make sense.


Oh yes, and here are a couple I had on my phone but hadn't got around to putting up...

Overheard at Tesco
"Can we get some of this?" - Girl
"No, you're not colouring your hair, you're seven!" - Her dad

On a T-shirt
"I aim to please. But I often miss."

Soul Survivor

"I think I'm a bit hysterical, I'm kind of laughing at anything." - Hazel
"I know, that's why I'm talking to you. A budding member of society." - Clare

101 Favourite Comic Poems

I recently got out a book of amusing poems (title above), and I decided to put some of my favourites on here :). Of these, I particularly like 'On Taking a Wife', 'Weather Forecast' and 'Limerick about Limericks'.

Engraved on the Collar of a Dog, which I gave to His Royal Highness

I am his Highness' dog at Kew;

Pray tell me, sir, whose dog are you?
- Alexander Pope


A limerick about misunderstanding

There was an old fellow of Tring
Who, when somebody asked him to sing,
Replied, 'Ain't it odd?
I can never tell God
Save the Weasel from Pop goes the King.'
- Anon

A Case

As I was going up the stair
I met a man who wasn't there.
He wasn't there again today -
I wish to God he'd go away!
- Anon


On Taking a Wife

'Come, come,' said Tom's father, 'at your time of life,
There's no longer excuse for thus playing the rake.
It's time you should think, boy, of taking a wife.'
'Why so it is, father. Whose wife shall I take?'
- Thomas Moore


A Limerick about Eccentricity

There was an old loony of Lyme,
Whose candour was simply sublime;
When they asked, 'Are you there?'
'Yes,' he said, 'but take care,
For I'm never "all there" at a time.'
- Anon


Weather Forecast

The rain it raineth every day,
Upon the just and unjust fella,
But more upon the just, because
The unjust has the just's umbrella.
- Anon


A Limerick about Health

There was a faith-healer of Deal,
Who said, 'Although pain isn't real,
If I sit on a pin
And it punctures my skin,
I dislike what I fancy I feel.'
- Anon


Limerick about Limericks

There was a young man of Japan,
Whose limericks never would scan,
When they said it was so,
He replied, 'Yes, I know,
But I always try to get as many words into the last line as ever I possibly can.'
- Anon

Quote from ages ago...

Just found a quote that I wrote down but never put on here. It's from January-ish I think. Talking about our crazy temporary art teacher.

"Doesn’t she remind you of a dinner lady? Like, a really posh one" – Alex C
"Kind of like a dinner lady but Mrs Doubtfire all the way" – Neesha
"With some kind of massive drug intake" - Abbie

I also found a quote from one of the Twilight books, probably Eclipse. I'll probably note down more quotes from the Twilight series at some point, next time I read them.

“Does that mean that he’s a better kisser than I am?” Jacob asked, suddenly glum.
“I really couldn’t say, Jake. Edward is the only person I’ve ever kissed.”
“Besides me”
“But I don’t count that as a kiss, Jacob. I think of it more as an assault.”

From my trip to see Carol

"Yes, it's economically sound, but isn't it just a bit pointless?" - Simeon

From some of the quotes in a very cool t-shirt shop:

What if the Hokey Cokey really IS what it's all about?

I'm not bossy

I just have better ideas

I'M NOT TENSE

I'm just terribly terribly alert

I'm not weird

I'm gifted

nice person

wrong planet

Of course I don't look busy

- I did it right the first time.

The Liver is

EVIL

and must be

PUNISHED

Teehee, good stuff.

College quotes

These are mainly various quotes that I have found scrawled in margins of my pukka pad.

"Are you planning on being your usual self in front of the ofstead people?" - Robert, to Mills

"If I came in and said 'me saw the dog', you'd either think I was regressing or I thought I was Tarzan. I can assure you that neither of those is true" - Jason
"You mean you're not Tarzan?" - Chloe
"Only on weekends" - Jason

Handing out class assessment thingies (I'm not 'officially' in the class)
"You don't get one because you don't exist" - Mills, to Hazel

"Be careful, you don't know where she's been" - Mills, about Max

After a conversation about how our college used to be a boys school - talking about girls:
"Is that why you're so horrible to them, because they don't belong here" - Tony, to Mills

"Is that your artistic skills up on the board?" - Robert
"Yes, that's my earthworm" - Mills
"It's lovely, but why has it got demonic red eyes?" - Robert

"Treat the examiner like they are a half-wit, 50% of the time it'll be true anyway" - Jason
Lol, he was just joking btw - he's an examiner himself!

"Are you here?" - Mills
"Apparently" - Robert
"He didn't die" - Jelena
"Yes, I'm quite pleased, I think I should get a certificate" - Robert

"What are you on, Robert... Valium?" - Mills

And here are some quotes that the class wrote in Mills' thank-you card that was given to him today:

"I hate you a great deal" - Mills, to student

"Oi, you barbie girls, shut up and do some maths!" - Mills

"Robert, keep your bitch on a leash" - Mills, about Max
I vaguely recall this though it is one of the more unusual Mills quotes

'SUA GOWI - Shut Up And Get On With It'
Occasionally written on the board in acronym form...

"Can you help me?" - Student
"Probably not" - Mills

"Jelena's been sent to Kosokov for terrorist training" - Mills

Plaques

These were on plaques at my cousins' house :P

"Raising teenagers is like nailing jello to a tree"

"Oh, I'm sorry. You must be confusing me with the maid we don't have"

Doo wop wop

Here's a couple of quotes off my phone...

"I say that to stop the little children from biting my toes" - Kat
"Does that happen often?" - Clarky

"I sort of wish I had a twin 'cause I do think the world would be a better place with another me" - College student
I got this quote while walking from college to the train station - the person was behind me and I overheard the comment which I found rather amusing...

These are a few quotes that Carol has on badges, I saw them the other day and severly coveted them :P

"What if there were no hypothetical questions?"
"No more Ms Niceperson"
"Blessed are the cracked for they let in the light"
"667 - the neighbour of the beast"

The Swan Princess

"'What else is there?'! She says, 'Is beauty all that matters?' and you say, 'What else is there?'!" - Rogers
"It was dumb, I know!" - Prince Derek
"You should write a book, 'How to Offend Women in Five Syllables or Less'" - Rogers
I love this, though the language-obsessed section of my mind was still thinking 'fewer!'

"Think! You must see something other than Odette's beauty" - Rogers
"Of course I do, Rogers. She's like, you know, how about... and then... I mean right?" - Prince Derek
*Rogers raises his eyebrows*

Quotes off my phone

Whenever I don't have a pen and paper handy (generally, any time when I'm not in lessons at college) and I hear an interesting quote, I briefly type it into my phone. I usually then forget about it. As I have now remembered, I thought I'd better put the few quotes saved on my phone into a blog now, before I forget again.

12/02/09

In choir - we were singing a strange Old English thing (see bottom of post for lyrics).
"The reason I chose this is because it's Valentine's Day on Saturday and this is a love spell. So if you can find some oaken ashes and a mute... you know. *shrug*" - James

"Elvis has risen from the dead, in the form of my sunglasses." - Ray

11/02/09

"Do your friends all look like you?" - Amy
"No! They look normal." - Dave C


Right, I just thought it might be interesting to put the strange love spell song (I think it was based on a poem or something) here. I've just found a copy of it on the internet, not sure if it's exactly the same thing we were doing (I think we may have had another verse or something) but you'll get the gist. Note the weird spelling...

Thrice tosse these Oaken ashes in the ayre;
Thrice sit thou mute in this inchanted chayre:
And thrice three times tye up this true loves knot,
And murmur soft shee will, or shee will not.

Goe burn these poys’nous weedes in yon blew fire,
These Screech-owles fethers,
and this prickling bryer,
This Cypress gathered at a dead mans grave:
That all thy feares and cares an end may have.

Then come you Fayries, dance with me a round,
Melt her hard hart with your melodious sound;
In vaine are all the charms I can devise,
She hath an Arte to breake them with her eyes

*bop*

Yes, here are some quotes, from about Nov 08 til now. They're roughly in chronological order.

I loved the quote from Peter's T-shirt (one of the Peters in my Sign Language class):
"You probably don't recognise me without my cape"

"If you think about time-travel too much your head explodes, believe me" - Jason
...
"I don't think your head exploded as you've still got one" - Chloe P
"Well, I could be a lobster and have grown a new one" - Jason
Jason is our fantastic English Language teacher - I think we strayed a little from the lesson plan here.

Talking about syntax in active and passive voiced sentences
"Is there any time when the action would move in the sentence?" - Martin
"Only if you're Yoda" - Jason

"My eyes flashed before my life!" - Chloe P

"Do you do much Spanish at home?" - Nathan
"Not really" - Hazel
"I swear you pick it up like... a piece of cheese" - Nathan

"I do skip home, I'm happy at the end of the day" - Jason
He was replying to a student's comment after he used the example sentence 'Singing merrily, I skipped home'

"Holly, if you'd like to go down there and join the gentlemen, and Martin" - Jason
It may be a classic, but it was still entertaining...

"I'm a new man, 21st century, of course I can sew" - Jason

After Carol ran past the front of the car just when Sparkle started driving:
"You wouldn't have had any legs!" - Sparkle, to Carol
"Sure she would, they just wouldn't be very useful" - Helen

"You're like the anti-Kat. You know what you want before you've even seen the menu, but she doesn't even know what she wants after she's eaten it" - Gemmel, to Dan

"That was the highlight of our art lesson" - Nadine
"Peeling glue off your hand?" - ? (friend of Nadine's whose name I don't know)
"Yes" - Nadine

From 'Quotes of the Year'

"With Tony Blair it really was like trying to nail jelly to the wall. In contrast, with Gordon Brown, the jelly's already stuck to the wall. It is just a question of taking aim at it." - Former Tory leader William Hague on the relative parliamentary skills of the prime minister and his predecessor

"They leave me alone now. I'm too bleeding old. They are frightened I'll drop dead." - Sir Michael Caine, 74, on the paparazzi

"I'm just a simple president, but I think God created the earth, created the world. I think the creation of the world is so mysterious it requires something as large as an almighty and I don't think it's incompatible with the scientific proof that there is evolution. I happen to believe that evolution doesn't fully explain the mystery of life." - George W Bush delivers his views on the science versus religion debate

"I am no longer at risk of being called a bloody nuisance. I am a bloody nuisance." - The Prince of Wales on his alleged politicisation

"I got a death threat the other day. I haven't had one for years and was so chuffed somebody thought I was still dangerous." - Former Labour MP Tony Benn

"It is, I fear, impossible to imitate, as it is a product of random and competing forces of nature." - London Mayor, Boris Johnson, on receiving the award for Best Celebrity Hair of 2008

Old quotes

Am clearing out/organising all my files on my computer and have just found a word document with quotes in it, so I thought I'd put them on now, not sure when they were from. Probably this year... *shrug*

“Please don’t talk to my son; he finds it hard to distinguish you from reality” – Philip (Benny's dad)
Don't remember who he was talking to but it's amusing nonetheless

*Plane flies overhead*
“What’s that? Is it my UFO coming home?” – Benny
“I wouldn’t be surprised” - Phillip

“Have I told you the joke about the high wall? I’d better not, you’d never get over it” – Benny
Oh dear, it's like a Christmas cracker joke...

Saw a guy with a t-shirt saying...

"Sex, drugs and sausage rolls"

National Treasure 2

A couple of random ones...

"Bring all your horses, and your sister too" - Mr Bertram, Mansfield Park

"So the idea is to find x1 and y1 using... yes" - Mills

Now, National Treasure 2 quotes... [By the way, it's a great film, go see it]

"Women, can't live with them, especially if they change the alarm codes" - Riley, whilst decoding the alarm
"You did that in 25 seconds" - Ben
"That's why I tell people to get a dog" - Riley

"How'd you get in, Ben? ... Riley, come out here" - Abigail

*Ben pleading for Abigail to let him examine the document - Abigail is walking away*
"Please, Abigail, one look under infra-red... you can have the boston tea tables" - Ben
*Abigail smiles then turns around with a stern look on her face*
"Both of them?" - Abigail
*Switches to them examining the page*

*In Buckingham Palace*
"You're the one who's making a scene right now" - Ben
"I'm not making a scene" - Abigail
*in Ben's earpiece* "No, we want to make a scene" - Riley
"WELL THEN FINE! IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT THEN LET'S HAVE IT OUT RIGHT NOW!" - Ben
*in earpiece* "Ah, so subtle" - Riley

"What is going on?" - Abigail
"I'm sorry for getting you roped into this but you were excellent back there" - Ben
"Oh, thank you, so were you *smiles*" - Abigail
"When did you figure out it was a fake argument?" - Ben
"When did you figure out I was actually arguing during the fake argument?" - Abigail
"Right in the middle there, the part where 'I always assume that I'm right'" - Ben
*Abigail nods*
*talking into his hidden mike* "Riley get us out of here" - Ben
"Which I don't get, 'cause if I turn out to be right after I assume that I'm right then I'm correct, yes?" - Ben
"When you get to a conclusion without asking and you happen to be right, you got lucky" - Abigail
*nods* "I get lucky a lot" - Ben

"Just because you may know what my answer is going to be doesn't mean you don't have to ask me" - Abigail

*In the dumbwaiter - Ben holding a bouquet of flowers - for show when they get upstairs*
*Ben sniffs* "You're wearing the perfume I bought you" - Ben
"So?" - Abigail
"I think it smells kind of pretty" - Ben
"It's the flowers" - Abigail
*in a sing-song voice* "No it's not *flutters eyelashes*" - Ben
*Abigail shakes her head with a slight smile*

Ah yes, I couldn't be bothered to type it all out as you really have to see the scene, but I love the part when Ben's parents see each other for the first time in 32 years and argue about a trip they took and a travel case not being packed.

"I kidnapped the president, the FBI is on their way here right now and I'm sure they'll love to meet you too. They'll find us both and arrest us both and that path doesn't lead to the city of gold does it?" - Ben, talking to Mitch
...
"Which president? The President?" - Emily (Ben's mum) talking to Patrick (Ben's dad)
"I thought it best not to tell you" - Patrick

New Wine 2008

At a comedy gig - the venue host said to a guy in the front who he was having a jokey debate with:
"Some things in life go without saying, can you be one of those things?"

"If war breaks out I will trust the Lord" - On a guy's t-shirt (It's a verse from Psalms but not sure which)

After Viv got soaked in the rain before a seminar we were talking about pnemonia, and she told me about how her mum got pnemonia after being baptised...
"Welcome to eternal life, if you can make it through this one!" - Viv
"Never say Christianity's easy" - Viv
Lol.

"Don't hide behind Times New Roman" - On a rather cool 'Dialogue' t-shirt
See it here

Rather amusing trainee vicar - Paul from Bristol - did one of the evening talks, was v. good (as were all of them actually)... anyway, a couple of quotes from him:

"Go up north, have some naan bread" - Paul
Apparently the naan bread up north is huge and is lovely with curry

"Mark 1, 21 to 28; It'll be on the screen in case you lost your bible at the kebab van" - Paul

"You gotta love the bible, it does make me laugh sometimes" - Paul
... [Talking about the people following Jesus forgetting to eat - feeding of the 4000]
"3 days! I mean, I don't forget to eat in 3 hours let alone 3 days!" - Paul

"Akatharton Pneumaton"
Means 'unclean spirit' - Paul was very proud of having learnt this word so he told it to us and used it many times in his talk :P

"I don't know what you've come here for, I mean you could be coming to praise God or you could be coming to try and get a girlfriend or boyfriend. I mean some of you guys look like 'Yeah Paul, well, we've only got 2 hours left so if you could be quick' [us lot laughing]. But you know, the best girlfriend or boyfriend will be the one standing at the front, arms in the air, praising God, not the one you've seen sitting on everyone's laps down at the food court [more laughing/clapping/'whoo'ing]. So if you see someone who's praising God, going to seminars, writing notes, reading their bible, and all that; try and pull that person." - Paul
Won't be word for word but quite a lot is direct quotes I think (I tried) and the fill in bits are the right gist.

Note about this section - the talk - I did actually take more spiritual content in, lol, I just chose to put these up here as they amused me.

Kev from 29th chapter did a quick bit at the beginning of a talk - he was talking about love and how it's easy to love people of our own status, and the 'lovable' but what about others? Just a couple of bits he said - you'll get the gist.
"Let us be cosy - touch each other"
"It's nice, very nice"
"LOVE!"
Lol, there was a rather amused response from the room packed with teens.

"We're too young to understand that certain things are impossible, so we'll do them anyway" - Pitt, from the film 'Amazing Grace'
This clip was played to us in a Thirst for Justice seminar

Krish Kandiah talked in Thursday's evening celebration, he was talking about 'Heaven on Earth'. Here's a couple of quotes from him.

Talking about heaven
"It'll be like being at New Wine all the time except with better toilets and showers" - Krish

Telling us about when he asked his kids (aged 7/8) what they wanted to do in the future
"So I asked him and he said he wanted to be a doctor, so that he could help people for God, and I was like 'Yes, Theologically correct son!'" - Krish

From a Walk Through the Bible seminar

"Murder by donkey's jawbone" - Gav
Samson vs Philestines

Story of Samson and Delilah:
"So here's a lesson to you guys - Lying to girls is a bad idea" - Gav
Later on:
"Another lesson, Lying to a girl twice is a very bad idea" - Gav

"Fall in love? I'd rather fall in chocolate" - T-shirt
I didn't see it, it was a comment in a talk from a guy called Mark

Nicola and Claire got some really disgusting orange juice and were trying to get other people to drink some because they didn't want it - Viv said ok and these were her comments afterward:

"Are you sure this came from an orange?" - Viv

"No fruit were harmed in the making of this drink" - Viv

So yeah, that's all the quotes I had down in my little pretty note-taking book :)
Yay for New Wine!

Elizabethtown

"I'm going to miss your lips and all that's attached to them" - Claire

"sometimes my brain thinks 'hmmm, I want something to sink my metaphorical teeth into'." - Carol

Various quotes...

Yeah, am now 'emptying' the back of my pukka pad and bits of my planner of their briefly scribbled quotations. But first, one that Carol quoted to me from something she saw on the internet somewhere (this is my current msn name):

"Make awkward sexual advances, not war"

Now on to the other stuff, starting from two where I know the dates...

23/06/08
"Pretzel" - Dan
"Oh, I didn't write that one" - Hazel
"What? You left out half our friendship!" - Dan
"If half our friendship was pretzels I don't think we had much of a friendship" - Hazel
I'd just been writing in Dan's leaving book and 'pretzel' is one of the things he attempts to rhyme with 'Hazel'

31/03/08
"I'm just a disnumerate maths teacher" - Mills

And a bunch where I don't know the dates (In the order of where they were in my diary and pukka pad):

Talking about silly class evaluation forms 'SPOC's (though we don't know what it stands for)
"Whoever makes these should be shot, or made to fill in SPOCs for the rest of their lives in a dungeon deep underground" - Franky

"*Reading from the SPOC* 'My teacher asks learners for their views on how it can improve the course, teaching and facilities'. So am I an 'it' now?" - Franky

"We're buggering off to University to get drunk" - Becky
Ah yes, the essence of university... ?

"It's bare confusing, like a multi-coloured bear; wow that's confusing" - Dan
I think it was more funny at the time...

"You look like someone from Chicken Run" - Hazel
"... I don't know how to respond to that" - Becky
Random comment in choir; she really did! It was the expression on her face, I'm not saying she looks like a cartoon chicken or anything. Yeah, another one of the 'you had to be there' moments.

"I'll give you this so you can thingy the doodah innit" - Franky

"He's about as creative as a bowl of cornflakes" - Franky, about Henry

"Sometimes I don't think you love us Chris" - Harry, talking to our maths teacher

"It should be 'u'" - Harry
"Yeah, but I don't like you" - Mills

"I'm going to miss a great deal; that's a whole hour of picking on Murray I'll miss!" - Mills

Next three quotes: Having a very random discussion in psychology about the possibility that Jesus has come back and is currently a small child, soon to grow up and change the world.

"He'll get his magic powers at 16, it's like Sabrina the teenage witch!" - Faye

"Even if this 'Jesus' was real, you're not a snail, so you don't have a point" - Faye

"He will in 2012 turn me into a snail" - Rai
(This whole conversation originated from Faye drawing Rai as a snail)

Part of John's sermon on one of the Sundays - talking about the ability to find your way places (and about sat navs)
"A great quote of mine, as Rosemary knows, is 'Don't worry dear, I'll get a feeling when we get there' ... and two hours late Rosemary says 'We do have a map'" - John P

"Sorry I'm late, I wasn't going to come in 'cause I was feeling ill" - Mary
"Ah! But you've recovered because you couldn't stay away from my charisma" - Alan

"I'm not going to stab anyone! If it's any crime it's going to be rape isn't it" - Joe
Talking about an offensive T-shirt Joe wore to college and our psych teacher started talking about how small things gradually become larger things until people stab each other and stuff.

Yeah, so hope you enjoyed the quotes, not sure when I'll next have any...

10 things I hate about you

"I've been hearing a lot of complaints about you again. People are saying you're..." - Ms Perky
"Tempestuous?" - Kat
"'Heinous bitch' is the term used most often." - Ms Perky

"Hey there girly, how you doing?" - Patrick
"Sweating like a pig actually, and yourself?" - Kat
"Now there's a way to get a guy's attention, huh" - Patrick
"My mission in life, but obviously I struck your fancy so you see it worked, the world makes sense again" - Kat

"You're not afraid of me are you?" - Patrick
"Afraid of you? Why would I be afraid of you?" - Kat
"Most people are" - Patrick
"Well I'm not" - Kat
"Well maybe you're not afraid of me but I bet you've thought about me naked, huh *winks*" - Patrick
"Am I that transparent? *sarcastic tone* I want you, I need you, oh baby, oh baby *rolls eyes*" - Kat

"What is it, asshole day?" - Kat

"And um, and here's another problem; Bianca said, that Kat likes, pretty guys" - Cameron
*tense moment of looking back and forth*
"*raises eyebrows and stands up* Are you telling me I'm not a pretty guy?" - Patrick
*talking over each other*:
"Yeah he's very pretty; he's a gorgeous guy" - Michael
"Yeah, I just wasn't sure, I didn't know *shrugs*" - Cameron
*Patrick relaxes and sits back again*

"This is so patronising" - Kat
"Leave it to you to use big words when you're smashed" - Patrick

"You don't care if I never wake up" - Kat
"*grins* Sure I do" - Patrick
"Why?" - Kat
"Because then I'd have to start taking out girls who actually like me" - Patrick
"Like you could find one" - Kat
"*still grinning* Oh see, that there; who needs affection when I have blind hatred?" - Patrick

"Tell me something true" - Kat
"I hate peas" - Patrick

"I'm down, I've got the 411, and you are not going out and getting jiggy with some boy, I don't care how dope his ride is" - Walter (Bianca/Kats' dad)
*Bianca makes a frustrated noise and stalks off*

"Where's your sister going?" - Walter
"She's meeting some bikers. Big ones. Full of sperm." - Kat

"It's not every day you find a girl who'll flash someone to get you out of detention" - Patrick

"You can't just buy me a guitar everytime you screw up you know" - Kat
"Yeah, I know... But then you know there's always drums, bass and maybe even one day a tambourine" - Patrick
*they grin*